How To Steer Clear Of The Three Deadliest Parenting Traps
No matter how well you believe you've prepared yourself for parenthood, there will inevitably be times when the stress gets to you. It is inevitable that you will make mistakes and occasionally react negatively. The good news is that most of the time, this can be resolved with an apology, clarification, and course correction. The bad news is that you could easily be caught in a destructive parenting "trap" if these obliging answers start to become common. These traps can also be quite challenging to escape because habits are tougher and harder to break the more we do them. The answer? Acknowledge them and fix problems at an early age. The list of typical parenting pitfalls that follows will assist you in spotting negative tendencies before they have a chance to completely manifest:
1. Demonstrating to your child—or yourself—that increasing the intensity yields desired outcomes.
A youngster who discovers that he can finally obtain what he wants by begging, whining, or having tantrums is one who will constantly misbehave to achieve his goals. Most parents develop the bad habit of giving in to these demands because, initially, it seems like the easiest thing to do. For instance, consider how many parents will cave in and purchase a candy bar for their yelling child because it is more convenient to do so than to put up with a protracted public show. Unfortunately, your youngster will likely employ the same strategy the next time he wants something, no matter how small, as the human mind is wired to repeat actions that result in rewards. Even worse, if he doesn't succeed right away, he's probably going to keep trying and complaining more and having more tantrums until he wears you out. Therefore, it is preferable to break this cycle before it has a chance to start: Instruct your child that "no" always means "no." Instead of caving in to your child's misbehavior, give them a "time out" to cool off, choose a suitable consequence, and then apply it consistently.
Recognize how crucial it is to take the previously indicated break; otherwise, you risk trapping yourself in an escalation. There are two reasons why parents who discover that yelling is the only method to get their kids to listen to them rarely have happy families: One, it is upsetting to frequently feel and express rage. Two, kids who hear their parent yell whenever anything is "serious" come to believe they are exempt from obeying orders delivered in a normal, soothing voice. This leads to a situation where the parent must yell in order to be heard at all.
When your child ignores your initial request, don't start raising your voice; instead, gently explain the implications and give him a warning before acting on the first request. Apply the punishment if he continues to not listen. If he does listen, acknowledge and compliment him verbally.
2. Ignoring bad behaviors in the anticipation that they will go away.
Young children are curious beings. When their toddler starts assaulting other kids at random on the playground, for instance, parents frequently find themselves at a loss for words. Many parents feel their child is merely going through a "phase" when they admonish them repeatedly and they still don't cease the disturbing behavior. They hope he'll just grow out of it. When they don't want to give the behavior any attention at all, they typically start to ignore it.
Yelling and other "negative attention" are rarely beneficial in these situations, it's true, but abandoning up is equally ineffectual. Your child will, at most, participate in these undesirable behaviors for a longer period of time than he would have under appropriate guidance. In the worst case scenario, they'll develop ingrained behaviors that are harder and harder to break as he gets older. It's appropriate to maintain your composure while establishing clear boundaries for your young child. For example, if your child strikes, stand up and put him in a physical restraint. If the behavior does not change, take him from the playground and discipline him at home. Repeat this as often as necessary to get him to quit hitting other kids.
3. Taking the actions of your child personally.
Even though kids might be bothersome, their actions are rarely done with the intention of offending or bothering their parents. As a matter of fact, most kids detest seeing their parents sad. Even though it could be difficult to accept at times, your child's actions most likely stem from reasons that are unrelated to you.
When your child misbehaves, she is typically either obeying her innately selfish character or testing limits (as a way to learn about the world around her). Sometimes, your child may be making an attempt to meet an emotional need in a way that is still developing. For example, a youngster who is nervous about spending the weekend at a relative's house could object to putting on her shoes and act out when you make her wear them. Even while it could seem like she's attempting to disrupt your plans and make you late "on purpose," what she's really doing is responding to an emotion that she can't quite put into words.
Why is it crucial to distinguish between a misbehaving child's goals and their actions? Because you are more likely to react emotionally to your child's behavior the more "personal" you perceive it to be. You will, however, be in a better position to dissociate yourself from your responses if you regard your child's behavior as fundamentally distinct from your own. Recall that although emotions are crucial for strengthening parent-child bonds, they should not be incorporated into your discipline plan: Penalties ought to be reasonable, meted out gently, and consistently. Similarly, if you want to give genuine praise to a child who has just started acting appropriately, you'll need to appear composed and believable.
Children are not innately manipulative, harsh, or challenging; rather, they are often self-centered, short-sighted, and even desperate. It is your responsibility as a parent to set an example of self-control, empathy, and reason on the other hand. You can successfully avoid typical parenting pitfalls and stop detrimental tendencies from emerging by going back to these fundamental concepts on a frequent basis.
